The Magic Unicorn and Other Stupid Stories
by TooBeautifulToBeReal
Summary: Just as buch of one-shots. Alice's car gets attacked by magic unicorns. Edward turns Chinese. Rosalie tries to commit suicide without success of course . Emmett eats flowers. Stuff like that.
1. The Magic Unicorn

**THE MAGIC UNICORN!!!**

**Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight, you retards.**

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_**Alice's POV**_

The world ended when one unicorn landed on the hood of my car and multiplied into thousands. And you know what? I JUST HAD A PAINT JOB DONE!!! My poor car!!

Well, here's how it started.

Jacob was driving me, Bella, and Nicki home. We weren't fighting for once, and I was enjoying the peace while I could. We had just stopped at a stoplight when a unicorn fell from the sky. I don't know what happened after that because I was too busy fussing over my ruined paint job.

"OMIGOD!!! ALICE!!" Bella screamed in my ear.

"BELLA, I'M RIGHT HERE!" I yelled at her. "I CAN HEAR YOU!!!!!"

"Oh, right," she said. "I knew that."

"I knew I shouldn't have let Jacob drive my car," I said. "He always does terrible things to Rosalie's BMW."

"Jacob's sleeping up there at the wheel," Nicki said.

"Oh, God," I muttered. I definitely shouldn't have let him drive after getting drunk at a party last night.

"So," Nicki muttered. "what are we going to do about the unicorns?"

"Um, well we should probably get the unicorn off my damn car!" I screamed. Then realization sunk in. "Unicorn_s_? As in plural?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, good God," I muttered, praying that my car wouldn't be totally dead. "How many?"

"Um, three." Why didn't she sound cocky? what does cocky even mean? I hear Edward say it around the house, but I never asked him what it meant. Maybe I should ask him later?

"Guys," I said calmly, "WE SHOULD PROBABLY GET THE UNICORN OFF MY FREAKING CAR BEFORE IT GOES SHIT!!!!!"

"That would be a problem." WHY WASN'T NICKI FREAKING OUT?!

The unicorn must have been scared by my voice, because then they all flew away.

Just then, Edward walked by.

_"The magic unicorn_," he said very, very stupidly. He sounded so freaking stupid.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" Bella screamed. Then very quietly she added, "I think he's drunk again."

"The magic unicorn" was all he said before walking away with a smile on his lips.

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**Bye.**


	2. Dinasaurs Are Alive!

OMG. THERE IS A DINASAUR EGG IN EDWARD'S JEWELRY BOX.

_**Charlie Brown's POV (...Creepy.)**_

It was a dark and stormy night, and Edward was talking to his dollies (he was actually legally married to one of them).

Alice the Amazing walked in and screamed.

'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY _CABBAGE PATCH KID_?!?!" she yelled at him, much too loud I say.

Emmett walks in and says, "I like fried chicken."

Rosalie comes in and says, "YOU CAN'T EVEN EAT, DOUCHE BAG!!!!"

"Oh," he says and walks out.

Carlisle walks in as Emmett is leaving and says, "Fried chicken cloggs your arteries (spelling?)." Then he walks out wearing a yellow polka-dotted bikini.

Then, outside Edward's door, you can hear, "You look like a hippo."

Esme walks in, looking very sexy in her mini dress and strappy heels.

"Edward," she coaxes, like he was a little girl, "put away your dollies and throw away your jewelry box. We're taking you to the babysitters."

"I have to be here with this DAMN BRAT?!" Alice yells at the world and storms out.

"Mommy," Edward cries, "SHE HURT MY FEELINGS!!!"

"Okay, Edward, this is the last straw," she warns. "You say that one more time I will bust your ass."

"Aww," he whines. "Does that mean i can't wear my adult dipey anymore?"

She screams and walks out, slamming the door behind her.

Alice comes back in saying, "You made Mommy mad." Then she walks back out, muttering curse words I'm not supposed to repeat as she goes.

Edward gets up and takes an egg out of it. Then he throws the jewelry box away.

"Edward," Rosalie asks cautiosly (spelling?). "What the *beep* is that?"

"My dinasaur egg," Edward says simply. "I got it at a flea market. I even bought my own pet flea. I named him Bob the Chinese Man."

All I could do was stare in through their window in amazment. I knew spying was wrong, but I couldn't help myself.

Suddenly the dinasaur egg started rumbling.

"WHAT THE *BEEP* IS THAT?!" Alice screams as she walks through the door to check on Edward.

"My pet dinasaur."

"Hello, my name is Billy Bob Joe the Chinese Man," the dinasaur says.

OMIGOD! It can talk!!!

Then Edward starts to trasnform.

"WHAT THE HELL IS EDWARD DOING?!" Alice screams.

Edward turns into a Chinese man and starts doing a weird dance.

"Tell Bella I hate her," he says in a Chinese accented voice. "I'm going to live in China. Good-bye, adult female dogs!"

And that was the last we saw of Edward Cullen the Chinese Man.

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**Good-bye, Edward the adult female dog.**


	3. What an Odd Day

**Alright, so I haven't been on lately, and now I feel like a total bitch because of that. Sorry guys. But I'll write lot's now :)**

_**Rosalie's POV**_

I put the money on the table, cracking my knuckles. "So, dog, what do you say?" I asked, eying him cautiously.

"I don't want your money." He pushed the money back towards me. "I have my own pet, Carl."

"My name isn't Carl!" I said, crossing her arms and pouting.

"Yes it is." Jacob seemed so sure, and that pissed me off.

"Just shut up." I stuck my tongue out at him. "Deal or no deal?"

"HEY IT'S LIKE THAT GAME SHOW!" Emmett said, flying his toy plane around.

I groaned and my palm connected with my face. "Are you dain bramaged?"

"What's that?" Emmett stopped, staring at me dumbly. Which made me groan again.

"You are." I stood up and walked over to him, putting my hands on his shoulder. I looked him square in the eye and said, "Go tell your mommy that I'm taking you to the mental ward, alright?"

He nodded and ran out of the room, making train sounds.

"Fried chicken cloggs your ateries," Carlisle said, wearing a pink and white striped bikini.

"BUT YOU'RE EATING FRIED CHICKEN RIGHT NOW!" I yelled, doing the rain dance.

Carlisle walked out, throwing his fried chicken at me. "USE THIS TO CLOGG YOUR ATERIES, BITCH!"

I ducked and it hit Alice, who was coming in after to me. "OH MY GOD!" she screamed. "This is going to clogg my ateries! THE HORROR!"

"It's not like you're melting, or anything." She flipped me the bird, pretending to melt.

"OH MY GOD, MOMMMMYYYY!" Edward whined, stomping his foot. "I wanna go to the party!"

"Keep acting like this and I'll shove you in the unicorn cage," Esme said sternly, wearing nothing but Carlisle's boxers.

Such an odd day...

**Yes, that was short, but only because it's late at night and I am low on creativity. Sorry guys! :(**


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